Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
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I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
how to market bottled water to dads
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Ok but actually
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait