FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.