Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
This will teach them to underestimate me
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.