Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
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Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Kids, do not try this at home!
Just why bro?!
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Meow
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay