My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Okey dokey.