It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.