If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
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Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
it be like that
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
The internet is full of many things
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
A roof is a house hat.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*