It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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The Punning Dead.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.