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*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!