Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.