Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
This anagram machine is out of order.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Word!
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.