I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.