Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?