Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.