Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
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“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.