I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
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Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo