If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
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9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic