good let them take over I have had enough
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Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Important
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker