If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
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Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
The French cow says MEUX…
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*