Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned