Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
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“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
An odd boast
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone