I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
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And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?