My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
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MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Siri, fight Alexa.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
You’ll be OK