Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
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Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
what could possibly go wrong?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.