What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
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Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
handsome & gretel
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.