I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
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Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
I really had high hopes for this year though
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.