Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
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leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.