*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
You Might Also Like
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
is this meant to deter me
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Cannot stop laughing at this
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.