her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
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My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.