Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Taking phone security to the next level.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.