Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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craving $300 all of a sudden
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
🏙👨🏼
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.