My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.