Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
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First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
In Canada they just call them geese
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I hope it’s French Onion!
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.