me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri