No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.