When does CPR become necrophilia?
You Might Also Like
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Every time.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”