Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day