[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
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Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
he looks great for his age
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Pass gas, not judgment.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.