Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
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Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred