me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
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These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Watson was Holmes schooled
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
This dude got his own movie?
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”