The news is so predictable nowadays
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Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
catch me on valentine’s day like
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game