*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
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Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
How is it still this week?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single