People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Feels
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..