[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH