i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
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Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.