My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
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“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
WHO DID THIS?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
describing stardew valley
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
I’m awake but I object,
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think