me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
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daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.