Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv