Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
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*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy