If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
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I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Oh hi lol
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The Friday File.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
You sure about that?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.